Number One: Would you believe me if I said she is obnoxious and she is sappy?
You would think Céline Dion is the only woman who has ever experienced the overwhelming bond between a mother and her baby. She goes on ad nauseam and now she has released a new album Miracle, The Celebration of New Life, which honours newborns. It is a collaboration between her and photographer Anne Geddes, who directed a week-long photo shoot with Céline and 21 infants. The result is a slew of items hitting the stores just in time for Christmas. They include a CD - with a new title track, Miracle, and a bunch of sappy songs such as Beautiful Boy and First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - a wall calendar, a 20-page booklet, a 160-page coffee table book, and a DVD about the making of Miracle.
"When you have one newborn in a room, it's so magical and so powerful. When you have 10, 20, it's just taking over all of us. It's so spiritual at the same time. I feel blessed as a mother, as a human being, as a person, to have encountered so many newborns."
Twenty newborns in one room would be anybody else's nightmare. We don't all have an entourage of fawning sycophants catering to our - and our newborn's - every whim.
Gag me with a wooden spoon.
Number Two: Would you believe me if I said she is tacky and she is sappy?
Well, let's see. In January, 2000, there was that God-awful wedding ceremony (to her husband René Angélil) at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Six Berber tents were set up, each to represent a scene from A Thousand and One Nights. There were jugglers, dancers, musicians, exotic birds and camels. What a circus!
"You know, Céline Dion is a great singer, but no one is saying she has all the style and class in the world. They had camels there. Anyone with livestock is a little dicey."
Peter Castro, assistant managing editor, People magazine.
And here's the rub. She'd already had a God-awful wedding.
In 1994, she had her first fairy-tale wedding. She wanted it big - so big that her wedding dress would not fit in the car. She got big. Her tiara and veil weighed 10 pounds. The cake was a 2,000-pound profiterole extravaganza.
According to Céline, when she and husband/manager, René Angélil, finally made it to their honeymoon suite at dawn, they held hands and fell back on their bed in their wedding attire. "We fell asleep still dressed like newlyweds."
Gag me with a wooden spoon.
Number Three: Would you believe me if I said she doesn't keep her promises and she is sappy?
In January, 2000, Céline Dion promised to bow out of the limelight to focus on her life with Angélil. It was very good timing. During her retirement she gave birth, tended to her husband, who was recovering from cancer, and dealt with a rape charge against him. In March, 2002, she returned to spotlight with a $100-million, three-year contract with Caesar's in Las Vegas. A three-tiered 4,000-seat arena was built especially for her show. Some retirement!
This September Dion signed a one-year contract extension on her Vegas stage show that will keep her at Caesar's Palace until the spring of 2007. Dion says at that point she will turn from the glare of the stage to domestic bliss. "My son is going to be starting first grade when I'm done in Las Vegas. This is what I want the most, is to drive my son to school. You know, traffic. I've never been through. I want to drive."
Promises, promises.
Dion plans to try for another child. A five-day-old embryo from her last round of in-vitro fertilization is sitting in frozen storage, awaiting implantation. "I have to bring this baby from the iceberg and put it back to the sun."
Gag me with a wooden spoon.
Number Four: Would you believe me if I said she has "unfortunate looks" and she is sappy?
Joey Stanman, Scarlett's courier, was overheard saying, "She's so freakin' skinny. She doesn't look healthy. And those wedding outfits - weird."
Apparently in high school, because of her "sharp-looking smile," she was called (I didn't say this) "vampire queen."
Even her publicist, Mia Dumont, before the release of Dion's first album, was concerned. "I remember her first record, we said, ŠeOk, how do we present this to the press?' You know, she was not attractive."
Céline dropped out of school after grade eight to pursue her career with René Angélil at the helm. She went to France and by 1985 the 17-year-old was a major star there and in Canada - but Angélil had his sights set on the US. He took her off the market for 18 months and had her undergo a full-scale transformation. She changed her teeth, her hair, her wardrobe and who knows what else. She also took English classes.
As the entire world knows, Dion and Angélil fell in love. When she was 25 (and he was 51) she declared her love to the world in her 1993 album, Color of My Love.
"I wrote a note behind my album. René is my love. I can't keep this secret inside of me anymore. It's getting too powerful. Let me paint a truth and tell you how I feel. René, you are the color of my love."
Gag me with a wooden spoon.
Number Five: Now here's the icing on the 2,000-pound cake. Céline Dion thinks we care about her dreams.
One of the 1,120,000 findings on the Internet for Céline Dion is Céline Dreams: "Is there anything we don't know about Céline Dion? We seem to know all. There is one thing that remains undiscovered. Céline's Dreams."
This site is sanctioned by the same Céline who said at the 1999 People's Choice Awards, "I don't want people to be tired of seeing me and hearing me. And what do you want me to do after the Titanic? What do you want me to do? I need to take a break."
Take a break, puh-leeze!
Oh, and one other small detail - Number Six. She can't sing. She's merely another one in the ongoing parade of female pop screechers. Just ask anyone who knows the classically trained voice. My friends who know opera say she's off key so often that they have to cover their ears in agony - and even that doesn't muffle the screeching.
Puh-leeze feel free to add to this list by contacting me at rosemary@scarlett.ca.
